


Now I have you

by Distantyelling



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Alternate Universe, Asgard, BAMF Loki (Marvel), BAMF Peter Parker, Birth, Bucky is a sweetheart, Developing Relationship, F/M, Flashbacks, Forbidden, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, Loki is awesome, Love, M/M, Minor Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Miðgarðr | Midgard, Mpreg, Pain, Pining, jonathan pine is actually loki, labor, peter and tony annoy each other, safe house
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-02-29 17:06:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18782497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Distantyelling/pseuds/Distantyelling
Summary: “ Wow, the sexual tension between you and Pine hurts more than Peter pretending to forget my drink order.”, Tony grumbled. Bucky cleared his throat to deny but Bruce jumped in.“ First of all, Peter doesn’t pretend to forget, you keep changing your order till last minute. And second, why haven’t you asked him out yet? What are you waiting for? ”, Bruce put down his glass and looked at Bucky.“ Yeah man. Please ask him out. Peggy and I don’t wanna come to your wedding with three kids and a Tony.”, Steve snorted and Tony gave him a look.( AU  where Loki is running from his father and Bucky is falling for him. Loki knows he cant be with him , if he wants him to be alive.)P.S. I suck at summaries





	1. I found love where it wasn't supposed to be

**Author's Note:**

> This piece was sitting in my computer for a long time. Let me know what you think . :)

Bucky Barnes wasn’t always alone. He isn’t alone now either, if he counts those monthly visits that Peggy makes or the fact that Steve is now working in Brooklyn as a cop, so he comes by now and then. His friends are the ones he could count on. Sometimes he just can’t believe how his family decimated in past few years. He got the phone call when he was about to leave for his apartment. He worked at New Life hospital as a nurse and it was one of those lucky days when he didn’t have a night duty. His mother got into an accident. His little sister Rebecca and his Dad were with her. He was called to identify the bodies. And he couldn’t move for solid one minute. It was when Bruce banner, his doctor friend took the phone from him and talked was when he realised he hasn’t said anything and was just crying silently.

Tony Stark, one of the biggest names of New York is also his friend. He was always more of a man of free will so he declined his father’s offer to run Stark industries in future. They met in college and have been friends ever since. Now, this not so small club Pine’s in Brooklyn has become their regular hangout. Steve, Bruce, Bucky and Tony are there almost every Saturday night, annoying the bartender Peter Parker. It’s one of those rare Saturdays when Bucky and Steve have the whole weekend off. So they decided to catch up on lunch before meeting everyone at the club.

Bucky was getting ready when his phone started vibrating and he knew it was Steve .

“ Hey Buck, sorry but I can’t come today. Something came up at the station and I ca...”, Steve started explaining about some kind of disturbance in a back alley.

“ First of all, really not interested in all the bloody and gory crime scene details. I see enough of that at the hospital and second, we only go to Pine’s because Tony loves to destroy Peter’s weekend.”, Bucky said with a chuckle.

“ You are totally right, it’s not like we all go there to ogle Jonathan Pine, the hot owner of the club. Oh wait, that’s just you.”, Steve laughed.

“ Say something like that again and I will leave your ass bleeding when you come to the hospital next time.”, Bucky smirked.

“ Jerk! Gotta go, bye Buck.”, Steve hung up and he sighed. He flopped down on his cheap couch, which he got from a sale. He isn’t fond of very fancy and shiny things. He always has been that guy who has a greyscale wardrobe and wears old t- shirts that are washed way too many times. Maybe Bucky needs few things that give a sense of permanence to him.

He lied when he said that they go to Pine’s only because of Tony. He’d been sneaking glances to the owner of the club. The only thing he knows well about the guy is his name, Jonathan Pine. He stands out between the group of people, who are mindlessly drunk and dancing on the club’s new beats. His eyes are always lined up with the entrance, while he sits on the balcony, where only rich people in their shiny suits have legal and sometimes illegal meetings. The red head Natasha Romanoff is always by his side. He is kind of his weekend motivation. Their eyes met once and Bucky felt himself froze, unable to move away from that captivating gaze. He could see a ghost of a smile on his face when suddenly Tony came and dragged him somewhere to do shots with him. Bucky won’t admit but he has dreamt about those film covered eyes often.

* * *

 

When he reached the club, a new band was playing which was really good. Steve was already there and Tony was just coming in from the entrance. He came and sat on one of the bar stools between Bucky and Steve, grabbing both their shoulders.

“ Someone’s in a good mood.”, Bucky looked at Tony who was smiling more than usual.

“ My arc reactor model is green lit by the army and I will be working for them in July, no big deal.”, Tony said in a very nonchalant animated voice.

“ No way, proud of you man. You finally did it.”, Steve grinned and hugged Tony. He was working on army suits with an arc reactor for past three months.

“ Yeah, I mean it’s not like I planned to finish it earlier than other dealers, I just did it early because well, I am way smarter than them.”, Steve and Bucky chuckled.

“ Oh please, you once came into the club without your pants.”, Peter suddenly appeared behind the bar giving a sweet smile to Steve and Bucky and a not so sweet glare to Tony.

“ And here I thought my day was going better.”, Tony gasped dramatically.

“ I’ll take that as a compliment.”, Peter smirked and resumed working. Bruce arrived few minutes later and Tony started giving drink orders while Bucky subtly tried to look at the balcony. Jonathan Pine was sitting at his usual spot in a blue suit, Natasha lingering in the background. It took Bucky a moment to realise that Pine was looking right at him, with that similar faint smile. He blushed and looked down unaware that the three were looking at him too.

“ Wow, the sexual tension between you and Pine hurts more than Peter pretending to forget my drink order.”, Tony grumbled. Bucky cleared his throat to deny but Bruce jumped in.

“ First of all, Peter doesn’t pretend to forget, you keep changing your order till last minute. And second, why haven’t you asked him out yet? What are you waiting for? ”, Bruce put down his glass and looked at Bucky.

“ Yeah man. Please ask him out. Peggy and I don’t wanna come to your wedding with three kids and a Tony.”, Steve snorted and Tony gave him a look.

“ I will when I have the courage to utter more than three words in front of him. You saw what happened last week.”, Bucky dramatically bumped his head on the table.

“ What happened last week ?”, Peter joined with his head in his hands, intently listening to the conversation.

“ I spilled my drink on his suit and then instead of apologising I ran away. He must’ve have thought I am a jerk like Tony.”, Bucky whined.

“ Why am I...”, Tony looked at Steve and Bucky again.

“ Oh so you are _‘cute drunk mortal who destroyed my Tom Ford’_ guy.”,Peter smirked.

“ Cute drunk what ?”, Bucky paled at the revelation.

“ Tom Ford huh ? The guy has taste, maybe I should date him.”, Tony looked at the balcony again while Peter made a gagging noise at the comment. Bucky on the other hand was completely mortified.

“ Kill me. Kill me right now.”, Bucky whined again.

“ Come on Buck. He called you cute didn’t he.”, Steve tried to cheer him up.

“ Yeah, followed by the destruction of the expensive suit I can’t even afford to dry clean.”, Bucky sighed.

“ Well, since he is my boss and I know him better than any of you, I’ll say go for it. Once you get past all the yelling and screaming, it will be good.”, Peter said seriously making all four of them look at him at once.

“ Jeez, I was kidding. He is a proper gentleman, real sophisticated. I don’t think I remember him raising his voice on any of us.”, Peter assured Bucky with a genuine smile he rarely shows.

“ You don’t toy with a guy’s emotion like that Pete.”, Bruce laughed at him when he saw Bucky relaxing a bit. Peter chuckled and glanced up at the balcony to see Pine having a heated argument with Natasha. Sensing something wrong, he changed the subject to something else. Maybe Bucky asking out Pine can wait one more day.

* * *

 

Bucky was driving back home. He never drinks as much as the other guys. He noticed the streets of Brooklyn were eerily quiet that night and it didn’t feel right. Brooklyn never sleeps like this.

A shadowed figure ran in front of his car and Bucky hit the brakes, jolting his own body to the front. He would’ve been thrown out of the wind shield if not for the seat belt. He tried to control his erratic breathing, still having a death grip on the steering wheel. He slowly opened the car door, not sure what to expect. All the memories of his mother and sister’s mangled bodies were already making unwanted appearances in his subconscious. He walked a little further and saw someone lying on the floor.

Someone....no, Bucky knows this jacket too well. The blue suit with white stripes, it’s his jacket...the owner of Pine’s.

There was a sudden surge of energy in his veins and his footsteps turned into a run. The mere thought of him being hurt was killing him. He rolled him to find him awake, as if he was in shock. His eyes met Bucky’s again.

“ I am so sorry. Do not move okay. I am gonna call 911. You are going to be fine.”, the moment Bucky said 911, he responded. He gripped his hand which was holding the phone, a bit too tightly.

“ No...no cops.”, he stuttered. Being a nurse, Bucky’s eyes were trained to find injuries but he can’t find any. And even then, Pine looked like he was about to pass out any minute now.

Bucky is a rational person. He knows that he hit the man with his car and calling 911 is the most logical thing he should do. But something in his eyes told him not to. He isn’t the one to trust strangers but he knows Pine ...right. He saw him almost every time he went to the club. There are thousand things that could go wrong but Bucky still decided to take him home. He could hear Steve’s voice in his head, telling him over and over how Brooklyn has become even more unsafe nowadays, but he is trying to ignore it. His foolish brain isn’t ready to believe that whatever he is doing is really dangerous, because somewhere in his heart, he already trusts this guy.

* * *

 

It’s been three hours and Pine is still unconscious on Bucky’s couch, who is now actually questioning his couch choice. This cheap material isn’t doing any justice to the glorious being laid down very ungracefully on it.

He is pacing ever since he came home. He debated calling Steve too but then stopped himself. Steve wont understand why he did this. It’s better to wait. But for how long ? Bucky inspected the guy’s body. He found no injuries except a little blue bruising on his ribs which was obviously because of the hit he took from the car. And yet he was unconscious, his pulse was erratic and all the other symptoms showing that his body is really weak right now. Bucky even hooked him up with a saline just in case. Being a nurse, he has few medical items stocked. After two more hours, the guy stirred a little making Bucky thank all the gods in the universe. He stood down near his head and started combing his hair with his fingers.

Slowly he opened his eyes, and Bucky was the first thing he saw.

And there it was again, that ghost of a smile on his face which he returned this time.

“ You scared the crap out of me.”, Bucky said.

“ Then I should thank you for not running away.”, he replied and Bucky had never heard something more beautiful in his life.

“ How are you feeling now ?”, Bucky asked a bit worried.

“ I am better, your IV did wonders on me.”, Pine replied.

“ I .. uh I don’t understand. You were weak, as if you haven’t had proper food for days.”, Bucky was confused. Pine suddenly became too aware of his surroundings, visibly uncomfortable.

“ I should go. I have already imposed on you so much.”, before Bucky could say anything, he stood up. A bit too fast because in next moment, his body swayed and Bucky caught him in his arms. He could hear Bucky’s worried voice but he couldn’t focus on anything but the sudden chills he was feeling.

“ Jonathan, say something please.”, Bucky whispered in desperation.

“ Cold...”, Pine uttered in a weak voice. Bucky touched his forehead and his eyes widened in fear. He was cold as ice.

“ That’s it, I am taking you to the hospital. I had the IV at home but hypothermia is a lot more dangerous than you think.”, Bucky knows this isn’t a situation for his ramblings but that’s the only way he can voice his frustration right now.

And again Pine gathered all his strength to grab Bucky’s collar.

“ No...No please. He wil... he’s gonna find me...”, Pine was already losing consciousness and he fell limp in his arms. Bucky took him to his bedroom this time and laid him down gently. He quickly checked his pulse and heartbeat which was strangely normal than he expected. He touched Pine’s arms again which were still freezing. In any other situation, Bucky would have been severely interested in that kind of unnatural medical behaviour. But this one is far too practical for his liking.

“ Steve is gonna kill me.”, and Bucky did something which even he didn’t expect he would do.

* * *

 

Pine woke up to something really hot pressed tightly to himself. His brain panicked for a moment after seeing the strange surroundings. The panic rose even more when he realised that the something is actually someone.....naked. Well, not actually naked but with boxers.

Pine was confused because of what all recent events he remembers from last night doesn’t even remotely lead to something like this. Although he would be lying if he said he didn’t imagine the pale beauty from the club with him like this many times before. He caught him staring at him once and it stirred something in him.

Bucky also woke up from all the stirring that Pine did. His eyes opened and were met straight to Jonathan’s green blue ones. Bucky has never seen anyone with such captivating eye colour. His admiration of Pine’s eyes were cut short when he realised what kind of position he was in right now and that he is looking at him with a questioning look. He is in bed with him, almost naked. He suddenly jolted up, throwing the covers away and sitting up very carefully.

“ I can...I can explain. This isn’t what you think.”, Bucky genuinely liked him. So what if he never had courage to actually approach him at the club and ask him out. Last thing he wanted was Pine to think that he was trying to take advantage of his misery. Jonathan sat up too, but this time he looked amused.

“ And what should I think of this ?”,he asked with a slight smile which made Bucky weak. He kept looking at him with a dumbfounded expression before realising that he was rudely staring at Pine’s sweaty torso.

“ I mean, I wasn’t trying to take your advantage or something. You were hypothermic and ...and I tried putting you in hot bath but you resisted so much that I couldn’t move you. So.......”, Bucky was becoming red by each passing second and Pine was loving it too much.

“ So.....”, he asked again and if Bucky could drown in this enormous pile of blankets he made for him, he definitely would.

“ So I used the oldest idea in the book.... Body heat.”, Bucky looked down at his hands. He didn’t expect Pine to suddenly lean forward and place a kiss on his cheek. Bucky looked into his eyes which carried so much warmth.

“ You saved my life....twice.”, he whispered to him. He is still sitting very close to Bucky which made him utter the most unintelligent response.

“ I am a nurse.”, and Pine couldn’t see how much Bucky was beating himself up inside his head. Who says that?

Pine on the other hand started to laugh and it made Bucky’s heart fill with strange kind of happiness. Being the reason of Pine’s laugh made him feel happy.

“ Some nurse you are James. I am feeling a lot better now. ”, he said. He was still feeling weak but he was mostly himself now.

“ I am not letting you leave this time. Not without proper check up and actual food.”, Bucky said with conviction.

“ I have already overstayed and caused too much trouble.”, and it was back, that strange distance in his voice. Bucky didn’t like it.

“ You said something about someone finding you. Are you...in some kind of trouble?”, Bucky knows he is testing the waters here. But he can’t help it. He has gone too deep now. Jonathan looked away ,still sitting close to Bucky but his gaze wandered somewhere far.

“ Let’s just say that there are people in my life whom I never want to see but they keep coming back.”, it was a cryptic answer, but he can’t let Bucky know.

“ My friend is a cop. I can help if you want.”, Bucky suggested.

“ Oh I know all about your Blondie, annoying little shi...”, Pine was met with a playful jab in his ribs.

“ Hey!”, Bucky had a slight smile on his face and Pine laughed again.

“ I promise I will take care of it. I have contacts too you know. They don’t call me Silvertongue for nothing.”, he winked at Bucky who blushed furiously.

“ You know I never understood that nickname of yours. But let’s forget about that and have some real food. You need strength Mister.”, and Bucky walked away talking about how he can cook real good chicken and rice.

But Bucky’s cooking skill isn’t what Loki was worried about right now. What happened last night was so close. He could’ve died. His magic was depleted and he was on verge of hypothermia. To think that a frost giant can die of cold sounds stupid. But there are things about his Jotun body that no one educated him about. James literally came to his aid like an angel. And now he has put him in danger too. If they know that he is here, they will come for him. Loki can’t let that happen. A pure soul like James doesn’t deserve this.

So he did what he thought was right. Green magic started to pour from his hands and slowly started to engulf Bucky’s little studio apartment. He knows he is weak and using this much amount of magic to put a protection spell on this apartment will put his recovery back to square one. But he needs to do it. He will be damned if he let James suffer for saving him.

When Bucky came back with few takeout menus, he saw Pine lying on the bed again, his eyes drooping with exhaustion. His heart sank for a moment but then Pine looked at him smiling.

“ I was thinking, would you mind if I stay here for rest of the day.”, he whispered in a weak voice. Bucky sat down near him, carding his hair again like he did when he first woke up on the couch.

“ You won’t be leaving until this nurse gives you a clear check of health okay.”, Bucky was then mortified when he heard himself. It sounded like a line from a cheap porno. Pine’s weak laugh instantly filled the whole room.

“ Oh James...I like you so much.”, and Bucky froze. Was it the weakness talking or he is actually awake and doing this to tease him. Pine understood and slowly sat up reaching to the lapels of Bucky’s collar. He was looking into his eyes, still waiting for him to burst into laughter and telling him that he is joking. But Pine leaned in again, this time his lips crashed on Bucky’s and he stole a kiss. Bucky closed his eyes and then he went in with full force, deepening the kiss further, as if he was afraid this will be taken away from him too, like everything else. They broke after few seconds, gasping for breath. Bucky was still breathing heavily and Pine felt exhausted. He slowly laid his head on Bucky’s shoulder and held him.

“ James,....what is this ?”, Pine whispered. His eyes were closed and his arms were wrapped around Bucky’s torso.

“ I don’t know....but I like it too.”, and they stayed like that, neither of them wanting to let go. It was a Sunday in years that Bucky actually wants to enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song " I found love by Amber Run"


	2. To be the sad man, Behind blue eyes

Loki woke up with gentle sunrays pouring in from Bucky’s bedroom window. For a moment, the shock of being in an unknown place made him hyper aware of his surroundings, but then he remembered last night.

He didn’t have that kind of a night in a long... long time. The feeling of being safe in someone’s arms, and forgetting every pain just by seeing that warm smile. This feeling has become surreal. Loki has been on the run for so long that he had forgotten about simple things that one enjoys in life.

The name Jonathan Pine that he took as an alias was slowly becoming his reality and it terrified him. He has always been proud of his heritage, even if it was a well concocted lie. But now, sometimes he struggles to remember what Asgard, his real home looked like.

The club was Natasha’s idea. He doesn’t know what would’ve happened to him, if Natasha haven’t found him and accepted him as one of her own. She is the big sister Loki and Thor never had.

Pine’s was a stupid name but Natasha went on about how it reflects authenticity. Loki thought it only portrayed him as a douche. Naming a club after my own name, which by the way, is not even my real name. The club was Nat’s solution of keeping him busy. He discovered later how good he is in that job.

Peter came in their lives a year after they opened the club. Snarky little dude who can make killer cocktails was how Nat described him. He is too smart for his own good, often got into trouble because of that. He discovered the truth about Loki within a month which earned him a great lecture from Natasha, because he is 23 and you are 1021 and he still outsmarted you. Loki worked to better his poker face and Peter somehow got roped into all the madness Loki created unintentionally. He is a part of the team, an important part who keeps two hotheads from being in unnecessary arguments. It was small makeshift family he made in these past five years, including Thor. Thor is a free soul now who keeps wandering from one place to another, unable to stick around for long. He is always there though, whenever he needs him, always being the big brother he is.

They first came into the club three years ago. It was hard not to notice when Tony Stark enters any place. Not because he is in a flashy car or fancy clothes because he left those things to his father, but because of the loud personality he is. That sky blue-grey eyed man who seemed to be with them physically but was somewhere else, lost in his own mind always caught his attention. It was hard to pinpoint but there was something very familiar about those eyes, the way they carried a shine which weren’t tears, but a permanent sheen of sadness. He smiled very often but it wouldn’t reach his eyes, it’s very tight lipped, pressed in thin line. But when he had Peter’s famous margarita in his system, he would laugh, scrunching his nose and opening his mouth wide. Like a dork, Peter explained it to him once, when he kept staring at him for an uncomfortable amount of time and Peter was serving one of the tables in the balcony. He kept teasing him for being a coward, for not asking him out. Loki would humour him of course, that’s what he does. Words are his weapons; he quickly gained the nickname Silvertongue because of how smoothly he closed all the deals in business. But asking out the man, who made him blush even without noticing him was something he would never do. Even Peter knew that Loki would never deliberately put him in danger. There is a sword hanging above his head and that’s his burden alone. He already has way too many people to protect than he expected. He doesn’t need more.

One day, he tried to subtly take a look at him again, James that was his name. Peter and his friends called him Bucky but Loki thought it doesn’t do him justice. A creature that magnificent is not Bucky. James is much more suitable for the six feet man. He has a face of a playboy but he always drinks the least in their group of four. He is the one who often supported Tony on his shoulders, when he is too drunk and when his friends, mostly Blondie will force him to dance, he would start off shy but would move in a hypnotic rhythm later. One time, James caught him staring, so he smiled, because what else he was suppose to do? Loki would never admit but his heart beat started racing when he smiled back. One Saturday, when he was carrying a drink to Tony, who was on the dance floor, he spilled it over his suit and then looked at him like a deer caught in headlights. His pale blue irises wide open as he stared but then quickly ran away, obviously embarrassed. It was in that moment Loki wanted to kiss him.

The realisation came hard and he composed himself the best he could. He wants to kiss him. it’s not a crush or stupid infatuation anymore, he imagines how his hair would feel between his fingers, how his lips would feel on his neck. Loki felt like a pervert, and he groaned. How this mortal has so much power over him already?

That said mortal is now sleeping next to him, this time naked. What they did last night was surprising for both of them. It escalated in no time, vulnerability at its peak. Loki couldn’t even think how long it had been since he was held by someone like this. It started with an innocent kiss and ended with James on top of him, fully exhausted and given in to their mutual desire. Loki rested his head on his hand and kept looking at his face, the frown that he always carried was eased and he looked so calm. A tugging on his soul kept accusing him that he lied to him. He doesn’t even know his real name, he doesn’t even know who he is....what he is.

Does he want to be here with him ? Yes.

Can he be here with him ? No.

No....because then Laufey will know that his son has finally found something again that he cherishes. Just like his parents and then James will be a fugitive by association.

As if reading his inner turmoil, James opened his eyes, still heavy with sleep but he smiled at him and Loki’s heart started sinking. This is what he will get, if he chooses to stay, if James is kind enough to accept him.

But he can’t, he won’t do this to him.

“ I have to go.”, he said while combing his hair with his fingers, trying to save this image of him in his memory. Maybe that’s all he will have in future. James’ smile fell and Loki couldn’t bear that he is the reason. He slowly sat up and Loki followed.

“ Will you be okay ?”, James said without looking up, his voice low and unsure. Loki took his hand and placed a kiss.

“ I’ll have to disappear for a while. Standard procedure when people are trying to kill you.”, Loki tried to smile but it faltered soon. James withdrew his hand, suddenly very attentive and looking at him with a puzzled look. It’s the first time since he came in his house, that his eyes scream doubt.

“ Is it because... are you, I mean you can tell me. I am an adult, I can handle it if you don’t wanna..”, but Bucky couldn’t complete the sentence. He knew it was too good to be true, all of it. Pine can have anyone he wants, any day he wants. A nurse who works overtime and comes home with dirty scrubs is only good for a night or two. This isn’t Bucky’s first one night stand either. He knows the drill, but Pine wasn’t one of them, Pine was special....his. Obviously Pine doesn’t think so but it still hurts.

Loki could see the mental investigation James is going through and for a moment he thinks, this is his chance. This is a perfect excuse to tell him that yes it’s just a one night fuck, so that he can be safe.

But his mind is agonised at the thought of reducing James to such level. No James is special , James is...

...mine.

“ You think I am lying. You think I want to get out of this.”, he doesn’t say it as a question. He knows it.

“ Well, you said you want to disappear.”, Bucky finally gathered courage to look at him.

“ I don’t want to James, I need too. And if I don’t, then they will come for anyone who I hold dear.”, Loki said in earnest and Bucky’s eyes got some of its shine back. He is one of those people who matter to him.

But then he focussed on rest of the sentence. ‘They’ again. Who are they ? Why is he running ? Who is he running from ? Gosh, he should’ve asked these questions before he jumped into bed with him. But it all felt so right that Bucky didn’t have the power to stop it. He couldn’t help but worry that Pine will never come back.

“ I am never going to get the truth am I ?”, he looked at him with hopeful eyes.

“ You don’t know how much I want this, to be here, but I cant. And if I die today, I will have no regrets because after a long time, I felt like I have a reason to be something. That’s the only truth I can give you today.”, and Bucky kept staring at him. Has it been that bad ? Was he as alone as he is ? When did they become like this, confiding in each other and looking through the soul. And even if they knew each other for past three years, last night was the first time they actually talked. And that small amount of time is enough for them to be this close? Is that even possible? Unable to hold back, he moved fast and enclosed him in a hug.

“ Why are you talking like this ? What’s wrong ? Why do I feel like if I let you go you will never come back ?”, Bucky was breathless. Loki held him tight, taking this moment to be vulnerable one more time. He took Bucky’s face in his hand and put on his best smile.

“ I will come back. This...has happened before and I went away easily, knowing that there is no one waiting for me. But now, I have you.”, he smiled and they kissed again, speaking silent promises the each other, ones that they were ready to keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: "Behind blue eyes" by Limp Bizkit


	3. Come back home, just come home

Bucky was on top of him, placing kisses on his chest. His heartbeat faster and his eyes closed in eagerness of what’s to come. There was a strange urgency in Bucky’s movements and when he reached Loki’s lips and kissed him with full force, he put a hand on his chest and stopped him.

“ Wait, you really think this is a good idea ?”, Loki asked, trying to catch his breath.

“ Do you know how long has it been since I’ve had sex ?”, Bucky whined and Loki smiled, grabbing his neck and resuming the kiss.

“ This isn’t a fair excuse though. I feel like I am...”,taking advantage of you, he thought. Despite the conflicting thoughts, Loki smiled between their kisses. He wants to stop, wants to talk to him about what he is doing but it’s all getting out of hand.

“ You’re not. Now shut up and kiss me.”, Loki chuckled at the sudden bossy tone. He can’t believe that the sweet, smiley James from the club can be this demanding.

“ Fair enough.”, Loki switched their places and Bucky gasped, smirking to see Loki finally taking the lead. He pinned Bucky’s hands on the bed and nipped on his neck. Bucky arched his back, his vision swimming with all the pleasure. He can’t believe he is with him. He can’t believe this is happening.

He can’t believe he is with Jonathan Pine.

He woke up with a gasp and sat up, throwing the converter away from him. His hand searched the side of his bed, even if he knows that no one will be there. No one has been there since that night, two month ago. He looked at the time. It’s 6 in the morning. Bucky still has an hour but he got out of bed. He can’t go back to sleep after that dream anyway.

He made coffee and sat down on his couch. He had taken Pine’s number from him and called a few times. Bucky knows if someone is in hiding, they don’t pick up unknown numbers. He has seen enough cop shows to know that. But he still tried though. He just wants to know if he is okay. He scoffed at himself, how can he be so pathetic. Steve always says that Bucky is over emotional. Now he can see his point. Even though they shared intimate moments before Pine left, even if Pine assured him that he will come back, Bucky doesn’t know how to stop doubting everything that happened. He kept consoling himself that Jonathan is away, his life is in danger, he doesn’t have time to call or message him to tell if he is okay. He is a businessman, he has a lot going on for him. It’s not like Bucky is his only priority. Bucky saved his life and they kissed and had sex. That’s how long their time, date, relationship was ? Bucky has no idea what to call it.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t tell anyone about it even though he tells Steve everything. They haven’t been to the club either. Tony was busy with his arc reactor and Steve had too much work at the station. Bruce and Bucky saw each other at work every day so it wasn’t a big deal. But last night, when Tony called him saying that he has the weekend off, everything became fresh in his mind again. Going to the club without Jonathan standing on the balcony will be unbearable for him. But if he suddenly denies going, then all of them will get on his case, asking what’s up and why he is not there. They are good friends after all and they take their job seriously. They were the ones, who helped him get through his family’s death. They will always be there for him. But Bucky doesn’t know what to tell them, when he himself isn’t sure what’s going on. He will wait for Jonathan to come back instead.

* * *

 

“ Wow, you look like crap.”, Bruce said when he saw Bucky walking in the hospital corridor. He handed him the patient file and forced a smile.

“ Couldn’t sleep.”, he said while Bruce looked into the file.

“ You said the same thing a week ago. What’s going on ?”, Bruce closed the file and now gave him his full attention.

“ Nothing, I am just tired.”, he sighed. At least, he wasn’t completely lying. He is tired, he just doesn’t know why.

“ How long has this been happening ? When was your last blood test?”, Bruce adjusted his glasses and looked with intent.

“ Stop going all physician on me and sign this. I think all of us will be okay once Nick Fury is discharged from here.”, Bucky smiled.

“ Wouldn’t waste a second. Celebrate at Pine’s ?”, Bruce signed in a hurry.

“ Tony called you too.”, Bucky said.

“ Yeah, it seems he missed us but is too proud to admit. I will pick you up at 8.”, Bruce smiled and left.

* * *

 

Bucky entered the club and couldn’t help but feeling hopeful. He tried to calm himself, when Bruce came to pick him up. It’s not a big deal. What if Pine is not there and his hope is shattered again. Or even worse, what if Pine is there and that will only mean that he didn’t call him and was lying to him all along. The latter made his heart sink, but there is no way he could get out of this now. He will just have to face it.

He entered the club and was immediately hit by dozen of alcoholic smells at once, which made him nauseated. It was...odd. He never felt that the smell is offending him like today. He swallowed and went inside with Bruce, waving to Steve who was already sitting with Tony. He joined them, deliberately not looking up at the balcony.

“ Look who is here. Peter was missing you so much.”, Tony chimed in the conversation.

“ Is that so Pete ?.”, he said playfully.

“ I am pretty sure its Tony who missed you a lot and is just saying it through me.”, Peter gave Bucky a smile and then looked at Tony. Their banter went on and became background noise because Bucky couldn’t focus. He sighed and looked up when he realized that there is no point in fighting it anymore.

He didn’t know how to feel when he saw only Natasha slow pacing on the balcony and typing something on her phone. Part of him wants to be happy that he is not here, which means he is still away and somewhere safe. The other part, wanted to bang his head on the table in frustration. This is becoming borderline torturous.

“ Whats going on with you ?”, Peter suddenly asked. Bucky looked up and saw Bruce and Tony engrossed in some serious scientific talk and Steve was on the phone, probably talking to Peggy.

“ Why is everyone asking me this question today ?”, he said, slightly annoyed.

“ Maybe because you look like shit.”, Peter suggested with his eyebrows raised up. Bucky gave in and sighed.

“ I don’t know.      I am just going through some things.”, Bucky said absently stirring his drink. He has no idea if Peter knows anything about Jonathan going away.

“ Where is Pine ? Noticed he isn’t in his usual place.”, Bucky cursed himself mentally, way to go subtle. Thankfully, Peter didn’t look very affected by it.

“ He went away for family business. We are not allowed to call him when he is with family, very private guy. Why, you missing him ?”, Peter teased while mixing drinks.

“ Last time I checked, you were supposed to help me get a date. I am pretty sure missing part comes after that.”, Bucky tried to play it casual, even though his heart was racing.

“ Sorry man, first thing after he comes back, I promise.”, Peter grinned and Bucky nodded in gratitude, even though he doesn’t need that date. He finished his drink in one go but regretted a second later. This has never happened before. It’s not like he drinks too much, he is not very fond of alcohol. Two beers at most and then sometimes few cocktails but never before, he felt like puking his guts out. He breathed slowly, hoping the nausea will go down, but after few seconds he rushed to the men’s room, leaving his friends somewhat in shock. Tony ran after him, telling everyone else to relax. When Tony reached the bathroom, there was only one stall occupied. He knocked gently on the door.

“ You okay Buck ?”, Tony asked, his alcohol rush gone and his voice completely serious. When no answer came, he waited patiently by the door. After a moment, Bucky opened the door, his face pale and sweaty, eyebrows scrunched as if he’s in pain. He was leaning on the stall for support.

“ Jesus, how many did you have ?”, Tony asked in disbelief.

“ One.”, Bucky managed to say but made an about turn, puking in the toilet again. Tony rushed to hold him, rubbing his back. When Bucky was finally done, he flushed the toilet.

“ Sorry.”, Bucky mumbled with his eyes closed.

“ Come on Boo bear, you have done this for me so many times. I am only returning the favour.”, Tony supported Bucky’s weight and took him to the sink. He rinsed his mouth and took a breath of relief.

“ What’s going on man ? You look like a bus ran over you on your way here.”, Tony looked at his face, the dark circles under his eyes and his exhausted form. Tony knows the symptoms of exhaustion better than anyone. He has a habit of working himself to death. Seeing Bucky so miserable was very unsettling for him.

“ Must be something I ate. I will go home I guess.”, Bucky said, but one step and he was flailing in Tony’s arms again.

* * *

 

Bruce was calling Tony and Steve was sitting on the bar, worry evident on his face.

“ Tony is taking Bucky home. He isn’t well.”, Bruce said to Steve, who stood up to go as well.

“ Will he be okay ?”, Peter asked while Steve was paying him.

“ Yeah, he isn’t getting much sleep lately, we are having hectic hours at the hospital.”, Bruce smiled and they left.

Steve left alone because he had to report early next morning, telling them to update about Bucky’s health. Bruce also left after Bucky assured him that he has everything under control, leaving Tony to take him home. He flopped on the couch and groaned face smothered by the cushion.

“ I feel horrible.”, Bucky said. Tony chuckled, gave him some water and sat on the couch.

“ You sure you will be okay ?”, Tony asked.

“ Yeah, you guys worry too much.”, Bucky smiled and Tony stood up to leave, but stopped at the door.

“ You know you can talk to us right. We are here for you, no matter what.”, Tony said the last part with sincerity. He still remembers how miserable Bucky was when the accident happened. It took them months to make him talk about it. He was the silent one in the group. He never asks too much, but gives a lot. When Tony left his father and had nowhere to go, Bucky was the one he called. Tony still remembers the fire in his eyes, how he faced his father and threw Tony’s small duffel in his car saying only one sentence, that Tony isn’t alone. Tony cried on his shoulder that night, in the crappy room Bucky had in college. They lived in the same room till they graduated. Bucky was the one who helped Bruce to calm down, when he got too angry, which isn’t easy. And Steve couldn’t live without telling Bucky each and everything that’s been happening in his life. Bucky may look like he always stands on the sidelines, but he is their core strength.

“ Thanks Tony. I know.”, Bucky gave him a smile and Tony left.

* * *

 

Bucky woke up next day puking again. He took two days leave from the hospital, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get anything done like this. Bruce already knew he was sick. He tried to eat some soup in the evening, which made him feel better. But the next morning went the same, this time accompanied by a killer headache, due to very less food he consumed yesterday. He waited it out and in the afternoon made himself a simple grilled cheese. He already knew what was happening to him. He is a nurse at a hospital, he assists a ton of cases with the OBGYN. He just doesn’t want to admit it, because acknowledging this issue will make it real. And Bucky is not ready for it. It’s not something he can deal with right now.

But he can’t keep ignoring it either. Maybe he can, but only for few months. It isn’t something he can hide easily after that. He mustered enough courage and went out to the pharmacy, came back home and chugged enough water to do at least three tests. Bucky consoled himself that he might be worried about nothing.

His consolation became useless when he saw plus signs on all the three tests. He sat down in the bathroom; hand on his lips while he stared at the tests. This can’t be happening. It’s just his luck that he had sex after a year and ended up pregnant, even though they used protection. He put his head into his hands, eyes burning with tears. He can’t do this right now, not alone. What will he tell his friends ? What about Pine?

Yeah right... Pine who is not even here. But even if he comes back, things might not be the same now. This isn’t what he asked for, to be stranded with the guy he didn’t even a proper date with, because he is having his baby. Tears started falling freely on his cheeks now.

“ Shit.”, he got up from the bathroom floor and threw away the tests. He sat down on the couch, looking absently on the roof. Maybe, he should get rid of it.                                       

But even thinking about it made him feel disgusted. How can he think like that ? He has assisted more than fifty births in the hospital. He knows what this kind of happiness looks like. He has seen their happy faces, happy tears amidst all the pain and screaming of a new born. But Bucky doesn’t have what they had. He doesn’t have the family he could show off this news to, he doesn’t have his sister who he can ask help from. Most importantly, he doesn’t have his baby’s father with him, a man who is running for his life. What if that follows Bucky and his baby too ? What if they are in danger because of Pine? Bucky enclosed his arms around his middle. It’s funny how he went from thinking about getting rid of his baby to taking a vow to protect it forever in a matter of minutes. It’s not like he ca’nt take care of it on his own. He has a good pay, a stable job and he is 33 years old. Maybe, he can do this. So many questions were creating a storm in his head, so he lied down to get some sleep. The only one thing he is absolutely sure of, is that he is keeping this baby. That’s one decision done and many more to go.

* * *

 

He was working a night shift at the hospital today, which meant a day off tomorrow. The pants of his scrubs were feeling very uncomfortable today. He wanted to rip the elastic off it and just breathe fully. He can’t believe how quickly a month passed after his discovery. He tried to tell his friends but every time he would see any of them , he would tell himself that he will do it later.

Now a month has passed and nobody in his life has a clue that he is pregnant. Not even Bruce and they work together. And now, he can’t breathe in these scrubs and that hasn’t happened before. His clothes at home still fit him. The thought of his stomach expanding filled him with a slight dread. As if everyone will now see what he is hiding. He looked down at his belly which still looked the same, even though it wouldn’t be in a few months.

“ You are shining.”, Bucky looked at Bruce, who was looking at him. He was reading a report which Bucky had to send in pathology again, before leaving for home.

“ What?”, Bucky gulped.

“ I said you are shining. Is it even possible for you to become more handsome ? What’s your secret huh ? New face cream? Bubble baths ? Oh I know, you are eating human liver to keep yourself fresh and young forever.”, Bruce chuckled and Bucky relaxed a little joining him in his laugh.

“ Yeah , because I am the cult leader of witches in America. Beware or our next target might be some curly haired, glasses wearing nerd slash genius.”, Bucky played along. He reached home at 9 in the morning and quickly discarded his pants off. After taking a shower and wearing smooth sweat pants and a t shirt, he lied down. But sleep was nowhere in his eyes. Instead, he kept thinking. Pine still hasn’t returned and now Bucky was getting scared. Deep down, he knows he is lying to himself. He didn’t tell anyone about the baby because he was hoping he could talk to Pine first.

He discarded his pillow and lied straight on his back. His heart was beating like crazy, because what he was about to do will make things pretty real. He slowly pulled his shirt up and put his hands on his belly. He jerked back a little when he felt an actual bump sitting low on his stomach. He closed his eyes again and drew his hands closer to his belly. He ran his hands over the newly formed curve on his skin. He was taking deep breaths to calm him, he doesn’t want to panic and cause distress to the baby. He knew it was a bad idea but he pressed his hands a little, where he could feel the tightness of his womb. It was familiar from all the inspections he did for the newly expecting couples, who would look at each other with tears in their eyes and smiles on their faces, taking each other’s hands, terrified but still so happy.

This is why it was a bad idea. Bucky was crying tears of his own now, and there is no one here. No one is telling him that it will be okay, when he is scared out of his mind. And he knows that he didn’t tell his friends because he is absolutely sure that they will go after Pine for doing this to him. And he can’t do this to Pine, somewhere in his heart he still trusts him and doesn’t want to make him the villain in the story.

And that’s why he is here instead, alone and miserable, crying at something that should be the biggest joy of his life. He quickly wiped his tears and put on his jacket. He knew no one will be at the club during the day but he has to try. He has to do something about it. His baby is almost 12 weeks along already. He can’t afford to lose much time now. His baby has made his appearance and now it wont take long before people will start asking what is going on. He parked his car outside and went in the club. Only few workers were there, but Bucky knew who he was looking for. He found Peter arguing with a tall built man and kept his distance.

“ I told you already, you are at the wrong place. Now please leave.”, Peter closed his argument and looked at Bucky, slightly confused. The man left them alone and went outside the club.

“ Who was that ?”, Bucky asked.

“ Something something Rumlow. He was looking for the boss. I told him he isn’t here. Why are you here in the day ? We are not open yet.”, Peter asked.

“ Yeah I know, I just...I need you to tell me where Pine is ?”, Bucky knows he is shooting an arrow in the dark but has to do something. Peter and Natasha are the only ones who might’ve any idea where he is.

“ Bucky, are you okay ? You don’t look so good ?”, Peter looked at him with concern.

“ I am okay. I just need to know where he is. I need to talk to him. Its urgent.”, Bucky couldn’t control his tears that were ready to spill. He hated what these pregnancy hormones are doing to him. This isn’t the time or place to have a breakdown.

“ What is going on ? What did he do ?”, Peter held his shoulder and squeezed to comfort him.

“ Nothing ... there is something that he needs to know, I cant ask anyone else but you. I don’t know who else is loyal here and what if I put him in danger. But I know he trusts you so if you know where he is, please just tell me.”, Bucky said a lot in one breath and then realized he said things ,that he didn’t mean to. But when he looked at Peter, who still looked confused, he composed himself the best he could.

“ Okay man listen, if I knew where he is, I would’ve told you, but I don’t. If I get anything, you will be the first to know, I promise. Go get some rest, you look like you will collapse any minute”, Peter tried to smile, which Bucky didn’t return. He only nodded and went back to his car, unaware that Rumlow’s car was following him.

Inside the club, Peter was punching numbers on his phone furiously.

“ What the hell did you do ?”, he asked in an enraged tone.

“ You have to be a bit more specific Peter.”, Loki said from the other end.

“ I don’t know what happened between you and Bucky but whatever you have done, fix it.”, Peter whisper yelled.

“ James ? What happened ? Is he okay ?”, Loki was suddenly giving all his attention to this phone call.

“ He is far from okay. He was asking about you and I am pretty sure, he had been crying. I may not know what’s going on between you two but I do know that Bucky doesn’t deserve this. So, either you tell me what’s the story, or you call him and fix it.”, Peter was now walking up the stairs, to continue the conversation in more private area. Loki was getting worried now. He knows that James isn’t a guy, who would freak out over nothing. There is something major going on for him to be this agitated.

“ Something is really wrong. And even after that, he was worried about you, when he himself looked like he would drop dead any moment. ”, Peter said, this time a little more gently. Loki closed his eyes, guilt making him breathless.

“ Listen to everything I say clearly. Did anyone else know he came to the club alone ? Did anyone see him ?”, Loki asked. He can’t let anything happen to James because of him.

“ No. But there was this guy. He was asking about you. He saw Bucky when he was leaving. Brock Rumlow.”, Peter told him and Loki gasped.

“ Peter, drop everything and do as I say. I think James is in danger.”, Loki was alert.

“ What? Why?”, Peter asked.

“ Because Brock Rumlow works for my father.”, Loki spat out in disgust.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: " Where's my love" by SYML


	4. You're a stranger, so what do I care?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello peeps! Sorry for not updating this story. To be honest, I thought no one was interested in it anymore. But thanks to 'Macaria', I got my motivation back. So, I am posting the next two chapters. Tell me what you think ;)

Bucky felt so tired, as if all the energy was drained from his body. The adrenaline rush when he ran to find Pine, was now making him exhausted. He stopped his car at the side of the road and laid his head on the steering wheel. He could feel his breathing escalate by the second. He took a deep breath and straightened up, trying to avoid the pretty familiar signs of an incoming panic attack. This isn’t fair. After a long time, he felt a connection, a spark for love which he thought he had lost forever. It’s like the universe is trying to play a really ill planned joke on him.

That doesn’t mean he would give up and let them play with his life. It doesn’t matter if he finds Pine or not. He will bring this baby into the world and he will take care of it with all he’s got. He’s done waiting for him.

He quickly turned around and took the way to the hospital again. He has avoided getting the sonogram till now. No matter how much he denied it in his mind, his heart knows the truth. He wanted to get it with Pine, so that he would hold his hand, when Bucky would be giddy to see the vague blob of cells that’s his baby. Who was he kidding though? Pine isn’t here, and even if he was, Bucky isn’t sure now that he would be happy about this. But he was happy whenever he fantasized about it. So what if it wasn’t true.

He entered the hospital and tried to avoid Bruce. He would give him hell, if he saw him here again. He sneaked to the OBGYN ward. There was no one there, which was lucky for him. He quickly spread the gel on his stomach, looking around everywhere. Soon, the wand was on his belly and he saw it. The baby, his baby, there it was throbbing inside him. He could hear the heartbeat, loud and clear. He didn’t even realize that he was crying, until a tear rolled down to his chin. He smiled so wide that his eyes crinkled. He quickly wiped the tears and then cleaned the gel. But he couldn’t move. Now that the screen was off, the fears circled him again. He quickly shook his head and stood up. Maybe he would go the store and buy some meds, multivitamins and iron tablets. He was about to leave when the door opened. He quickly turned around, expecting someone from the hospital. But what he saw was very out of place. Three men dressed in all black, like one of those movies he saw on the TV. He backed away a little, what would these need from a hospital?

“ Can I help you?”, he asked, trying to hide the shakiness of his voice.

“ Yes, you’re the only one who can. Where is Loki?”, the guy in the center asked in his gruff voice. Bucky tried to remember the name but it didn’t ring any bells.

“ I am sorry, I don’t know who you are talking about?”, Bucky shrugged. But the guy started walking towards him. He was huge, with a little burnt scar on right side of his face.

“ I knew it wouldn’t be this easy. Tell me where Loki is or say goodbye to your life.”, he took out a gun that looked strange, as if it belonged to one of those Sci fi shows. But that’s not what he was worried about.

Who the hell is this Loki and why do they think he knows where he is? Bucky is sure he would remember someone named loki. The guy pointed the gun at his head and Bucky froze.

“ The hospital has cameras. You try something and security will come running here in a second.”, he tried to stand tall, resisting the urge to cover his belly with his hands. Only few people are allowed to handle the cameras and luckily Bucky is one of them. That was how he was gonna getting away with the sonogram. They looked at him in suspicion for a moment, but then started to laugh.

“ You really think we are that naive? This isn’t our first job on Midgard. The cameras are switched off. Now tell me where he is or I am going to blow your brains out.” Bucky didn’t have any ideas now. He was getting scared. This isn’t the first time someone threatened him. The OPD had a few crazy cases. Once, a guy whom Bucky was wheeling to the operation theatre pulled a knife on him and told him to let him go. But that happened in the hallway, in front of people. He isn’t even sure if anyone on this floor is awake. He raised his hands in surrender and tried to explain.

“ I swear I’ve never heard that name before. Now please, let me go. I assure you it’s not me who you’re looking for.”, the guy was losing his patience. Bucky could see it in his eyes. This time, he enclosed his belly within his arms. The panic attack from before was returning in full speed. He tried to look for an exit but there was none. The guy put his finger on the trigger and Bucky closed his eyes.

There was a knock on the door and Bucky startled. He is alive? That wasn’t a gunshot. The three men quickly got together, two of them still blocking the exit and the one who was doing all the talking put Bucky in front of him.

“ Open the door and get rid of them.”, Bucky nodded. When Bucky opened the door, the guy was standing right behind it, still pointing the gun on him.

“ Peter?”, Bucky’s eyes widened. What is Peter even doing here?

“ Hey, can I come in? I need to talk to you.”, Peter said in his usual smiley tone.

“ Sorry Pete, this isn’t a good time. Maybe later?”, he said, but quickly moved his eyes at the side. Peter was confused but when he saw Bucky’s hand pointing a gun sign towards the door, he understood.

“ Oh, are you sure? But you said you wanna hang out?”, Peter asked a question again and for the first time in his life Bucky wanted to slap someone so hard. He just told him that he is being held on gunpoint. He should go and call security. Why is he standing here, buying time like a moron?

The answer to his question came pretty fast when he saw Peter pulling out a gun of his own from his jacket, putting his finger on the lips. He was telling him to be silent and Bucky was still reviving form the fact that Peter, sweet, innocent, little Peter is holding a gun.

“ I uh..I know sorry. Some uh..um another time?”, Bucky managed to get out. Peter grabbed his hand that was outside the door and then said,

“okay.”

Then, he shot the door.

Peter freaking Parker, fired a bullet, that went straight through the door and lodged itself deep in the guy’s body. Bucky heard his scream, but Peter was insanely fast. He pulled him out the door and told Bucky to follow him, to a way which was clearly the fire escape outside.

“ Hurry up, we don’t want witnesses.”, Peter hissed into his ear. Hurry up? Bucky was still in shock. Peter killed a man. How is he so calm about this? Why should there be no witnesses? Why are they running? It wasn’t his fault, so why?

By the time they reached down the stairs, the sirens started screaming. Peter held his hand again and told him to run.

“ Stop! Peter stop!”, he screamed. Peter looked at him in shock.

“ There is no time. C’mon.”, he tried to tug him again but this time Bucky threw his hands away.

“ Peter you fucking killed a man. We need to go to the police.”, Bucky held him by his shoulders. Peter held him back and looked into his eyes.

“ That man can’t be killed with a simple bullet. Look up.”, Bucky looked up where he saw the guy from earlier, the one he heard scream, running down the fire escape after him. That’s not possible. He was shot at a close range, probably in the chest or stomach. The blood loss itself should have slowed him down.

“ What the hell?”, he looked at Peter again.

“ I can’t explain right now, but you’re in danger and they are catching up. Please.” Peter begged and Bucky ran with him. They passed alley after alley, but the men didn’t seem to slow down. He was looking back when suddenly, he bumped into something.

That something was actually someone. Bucky looked at the face he was trying to find for past three months.

“ Jonathan?”, he smiled at him, but then grabbed his hand and kept running. Peter was following them. When they reached a safe distance, they stopped for a moment. Pine suddenly embraced him in a bone crushing hug.

“ Thank the Norns you are okay. I thought I lost you.”, Pine said, still not letting go. Bucky buried his face in his neck, finally taking a breath of relief. He can’t believe he is in his arms again, something he stopped hoping for.

“ Jonathan, what is going on here?”, he asked, eyes full of tears. Damn the hormones. But Pine’s heart shattered to see him crying. Peter, who was watching them quickly put the two and two together.

“ They are coming.”, he warned them. Bucky and Jonathan looked at Rumlow and his goons approaching from a distance.

“ Quick, take off your jacket.”, Peter suddenly said and both of them looked at him in confusion.

“ Trust me on this okay. I will lead them away and you get him out of here.”, it took Bucky a second to realise that he was talking to Pine.

“ I can’t ask you to do this.”, Pine was furious and it was scary to be honest.

“ I don’t give a damn okay. Get him out of here. I know my way out.”, Peter quickly wore Bucky’s jacket and vanished in a side alley. Pine looked at Bucky earnestly.

“ Do you trust me?”, Pine asked.

“ Yes.”, Bucky said without skipping a beat. Even after suffering all this mayhem because of him, he is still sure that he trusts him. Pine gave him a small smile.

“ Hold on tight.”, and then they vanished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: 'Stranger' by Perfect Circle


	5. Please don't go, I love you so

**_ Trigger warning suicidal thoughts _ **

Bucky felt like someone ripped his soul from his body and then put it back in a very non delicate way. It’s funny how he wasn’t scared when he was face to face to a weird loaded gun. But when Pine took his hand, he can’t even explain what happened. His vision was blurry, all he could see was rushing lights. It started to hurt his eyes so he closed them. His head felt like it was gonna explode. The speed or pressure or whatever it was, Bucky was sure if it went on anymore, he will die.

As if God heard his inner turmoil and it stopped. Bucky fell to the ground, which didn’t resemble to where they were few seconds ago. Before he could contemplate where he was, he threw up on the ground. Pine ran to him and held him by his shoulder. Bucky pushed him away and stood up.

“ What the hell was that? Wh..what did you do?”, Pine had never seen rage in Bucky’s eyes before. It was terrifying.

‘ I teleported us to somewhere safe.”, Loki said, knowing very well that the explanation won’t make any sense. Bucky looked at him as if he was crazy. He tried to get closer to him, but Bucky stopped him.

“ No! Stay back.”, he said harshly. Loki raised his hands in surrender.

“ Okay I won’t. But you need to listen to me James.”, Loki tried again.

“ No! You listen to me. Tell me what is going on right now or I swear to God . And who the hell is Loki?”, Bucky said, he was almost breathless now, still hugging his middle with his arms. Pine looked down.

“ I am.”, he looked up but Bucky was already taking steps back from him.

“ James, James wait.”, he ran to stop him and held him by his shoulders.

“ Get off me. You’ve lied to me before, but this? I don’t even know you anymore. Hell, I didn’t even know your real name until now.”, Bucky was crying now. Loki tried to hold his hand again but he threw them off.

“ I was trying to keep you safe.”, Loki whispered. Bucky looked into his eyes. This time they were different, they screamed vulnerability. He decided to ask one more time.

“ Who are you? No more lies. Just tell me the truth. Please.”, Bucky begged this time. He was tired of waiting for him. But now, when he is here, everything became messed up. He imagined how happy he would be to get Pin-Loki back. He never thought that he would be facing an entire new set of life threatening problems. He doesn’t care what happens to him. God knows he wanted to end it after his family died. Maybe that’s why his friends never left him alone after the accident. It wasn’t fair that he was the one left alive. He wasn’t very bright, didn’t have any superb achievements, didn’t have a boyfriend or a life people would be envious of. Rebecca was the one who deserved to live. She was going to be a doctor, something Bucky couldn’t do. She took care of his parents and went to medical school, balancing both easily. Bucky on the other hand would barely go home, due to his hectic schedule. But it’s not just him now. He has to protect his baby. It can’t be in the middle of gunfire. He looked at Loki, expecting a clear answer this time.

“ I..uh..I am not from here.”, Bucky scrunched his face in confusion.

“ New York?”, Loki took a deep breath and continued.

“ Earth, I’m not from this planet.”, he looked up to see his reaction. He was sure Bucky wasn’t expecting anything like this. Bucky sat down on the ground. Head in his hands and eyes wide, Loki inched closer to him slowly and sat down too. This time Bucky didn’t push him away, and he was grateful for that. It’s not like he would be harmed by that. He is practically a God, a prince, a warrior. What happened to James because of him is a disaster. He hopes James will forgive him. Because he doesn’t know what he will do if he didn’t.

Loki didn’t plan to fall in love but he did. He has never felt anything even close for someone else. But now, he is afraid that he might lose him. He was going to tell him soon, but not like this. Not when intergalactic mercenaries were chasing them. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he was going to do anything for James’ love. To think his love is based on a one night stand is ridiculous, but it doesn’t mean it’s not true, at least from his side. Loki made sure to think about that in depth. But now, he would be lucky if James would even want to see him again. He hadn’t said a word and Loki was getting worried.

“ Say something James, please.”, Loki looked at him.

“ You are..you’re an alien.”, he said in a defeated tone. Loki held him in his arms; Bucky didn’t even react to that.

“ I am sorry James, I am so sorry.”, he kept repeating it, until Bucky stood up abruptly.

“ Oh God, oh my God this isn’t really happening to me.”, Bucky was shaking now. He is pregnant with an alien baby? Bucky was terrified to say those words, even in his head. He started to hyperventilate and Loki panicked.

“ James? James what’s wrong?”, Bucky was losing his balance. Loki held him tight. Bucky was unable to focus on his surroundings. There was only one sentence going on in his mind.

He is pregnant.

He is pregnant and Loki is the father.

He is carrying Loki’s alien baby.

Bucky wasn’t able to control his body anymore. It felt like the forest was spinning around him. Loki was still calling his name.

“ I am pregnant.”, he managed to whisper and then he closed his eyes, unable to stand anymore. If all of this is a freaking nightmare, he would like to get up now.

Loki was sitting on the ground, holding a groggy James who was about to pass out. The words he said were ringing in his ears.

It’s just not possible.

They are entirely different species. He is a frost giant and James, he is a mortal. This doesn’t make any sense. Is it....Loki hates to think like this but maybe it wasn’t his. Maybe James had another one night stand. It killed him to think about him like that. He shook his head in disgust.

No...James wouldn’t do this to him. He trusts him with his life. But then, it means what James said was true. Loki had no idea what to do anymore.

“ I hate you....I fucking hate you.”, James murmured in his sleep. A tear silently slipped Loki’s eye, because it isn’t the first time someone said that to him. He was a fool to think he could be with someone like James. He couldn’t, his father made sure of that. His own father cursed him to a life that has no place for love.

He wiped his tears and quickly carried James in his arms. This isn’t the time get weepy about his past. He needs to protect him. He won’t let anyone touch him ever again. It doesn’t matter that he hates him. Loki can’t blame him, he hates himself for losing him like this. But he will stay, until he is out of harm’s way. It would be unbearable but he would leave him, once all of this is over. Maybe erase Rumlow’s memories of the encounter at the club. Because he won’t be able to do it to James. Near or far, he wants him to remember Loki, even if he does it in anger, Loki would accept that.

* * *

 

Bucky woke up feeling exhausted, but he wasn’t surprised. It’s a normal occurrence by now. He stared at the ceiling still half asleep. He jolted up when he saw that he doesn’t recognize it. Slowly, he started to remember. The woods, Pine..no Loki, they teleported. There was no one else in the room. He was alone in a stranger’s house. Before he could start to panic, he heard a familiar voice.

“ Are you all right?”, Loki was standing next to his bed. Bucky was so busy assessing the situation that he didn’t notice him coming in. His voice stirred something in Bucky and he launched himself on him. Loki took a second to return the hug, unable to understand the sudden wave of affection.

“ Oh thank God, I thought you left me again.”, Bucky was grinning into his shoulder. Loki could feel it but couldn’t understand it. Bucky felt his hesitation and looked at him.

“ What’s wrong?”, he asked genuinely. Loki’s worried expression was scaring him.

“ You....you told me that you hated me.”, Loki looked so devastated as if saying those words were killing him. Bucky couldn’t take it so he kissed him with full force. When they separated, Loki was looking at him in shock.

“ Still think I hate you?”, this time Bucky felt unsure. Maybe he got too bold but it’s very rare that he acts on what he’s thinking. After a moment, Loki kissed him. This time, he made up for the delay in the previous kiss.

“ I am sorry James.”, Loki put his fingers on his cheek. Bucky smiled at him.

“ You need to get used to it. I am going to be a lot worse in next few months.”, Loki furrowed his brows.

“ I am pregnant you idiot. The hormones are gonna be crazy.”, Loki finally understood but didn’t smile. In fact, his face got even worse as if Bucky just killed his favorite cat.

“ What’s wrong?”, Bucky just can’t catch a break. Of course Loki isn’t happy about the baby. It’s obvious by how lost he looks right now. Bucky suddenly felt very unwelcome, thousands of questions wreaking havoc in his mind. He removed the blanket and stood up.

“ I should leave.”, this broke Loki’s trance and he stood up.

“ What? Why?”, Loki tried to keep him close, but Bucky struggled out of his hold.

“ I get it. You didn’t sign up for this. I will be out of your way.”, Bucky can’t believe that his worst fears are coming true. But he won’t stay if he is unwanted. He can leave Loki for the sake of his baby. He would give up anything to keep it. He turned to leave but Loki stopped him.

“ Oh James, I didn’t want to make you feel like this.”, Loki said, his previous tone back. Bucky won’t fall for it again.

“ Your face did the talking.”, Loki understood what he was thinking.

“ No, I am scared.”, Loki said. Bucky took his hand.

“ I am scared too. This baby isn't even fully human Loki. You think this is easy for me?”, he tried to control his anger but Loki shook his head.

“ No James, I am scared because this isn’t possible. You and I, we cant...it just doesn’t happen like this.”, Loki tried to explain. Bucky understood what he meant now. He dug his pocket and took out a piece of paper.

“ I did an ultrasound.”, he didn’t need to say anything further because Loki already snatched the paper to see. He gasped, his breath shaky and a giant smile on his face. He looked at Bucky, who was still in doubt.

“ It’s..this is...ours?”, Loki couldn’t complete the question. When Bucky nodded, he kissed him again.

“ It’s real. Possible or not.”, Bucky whispered, his voice still low. Loki took his face in his hands.

“ I don’t know how this happened, and I don’t care anymore either. The one thing you should never doubt is that I love it, more than my life.”, Bucky gave him a sad smile.

“ Will you tell me then? I can’t understand until you tell me what’s going on. You asked me in that alley if I trust you. I am asking the same now. No matter how bad the truth is, I promise I will be here with you. You don’t have to do this alone.”, Loki smiled. What did he do to deserve him? He is here and it’s not a dream. He can share his pain with him.

“ Remember when I told you I am not from here?”, Bucky nodded, curious to finally hear the whole story. Loki braced himself, because telling the tale of his unfortunate life wouldn’t be easy. He will tell him everything. He will tell him how he came to midgard. He will tell him about Thor.

He will tell him it’s his fault that his parents are dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: "Breezeblocks" by Alt J


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